MANNERS MONDAY

A few years back I was called upon to research and write about the correlation between wellness and wellbeing. What I learned then still holds true today, and likely will continue on until well after I've shuffled off the mortal coil.

After reading more than a thousand articles on fitness and health, it all boiled down to one thing. Watching your cholesterol? Nope. Steering clear of high fructose corn syrup? Amazingly, no. Cutting out white flour . . . salt . . . sugar? Wrong again. Then it must be about omitting gluten, right? Believe it or not, no.

I learned that the secret to health and wellness, the golden key, the golden ticket, is the Golden Rule. It was cited again and again as a sure-fire guarantee to physical well-being and happiness. It serves as the foundation of most major religions, belief systems, and cultures, regardless of location or era, and to me, is as universal a law and irresistible a force as gravity.

TeachingValues.com, a site dedicated to character education for children, shares the religious text sources of this globally-embraced concept thus:

Christianity	All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye so to them; for this is the law and the prophets. Matthew 7:1
Confucianism	Do not do to others what you would not like yourself. Then there will be no resentment against you, either in the family or in the state. Analects 12:2
Buddhism	Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. Udana-Varga 5,1
Hinduism	This is the sum of duty; do naught onto others what you would not have them do unto you. Mahabharata 5,1517
Islam	No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. Sunnah
Judaism	What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellowman. This is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary. Talmud, Shabbat 3id
Taoism	Regard your neighbor’s gain as your gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss. Tai Shang Kan Yin P’ien
Zoroastrianism	That nature alone is good which refrains from doing another whatsoever is not good for itself. Dadisten-I-dinik, 94,5

While these sage words and their sentiment are inspiring in all their iterations, they are not worth more than the rice paper or papyrus or goat skin on which they are written if not translated into altruistic action. But how does one go about expressing such do-goodery in today's road rage frivolous lawsuit crazy society? ZenHabits.net, a blog I kept coming across during the past weeks' research, that has since become a fave, suggests some easy to implement ideas on how to rack up those karma points. Here is author Leo Babauta's post in full:

18 Practical Tips for Living the Golden Rule

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

“…thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”, Leviticus 19:18

One of the few rules I try to live my life by, and fail every day trying, is the Golden Rule.

I love the simplicity of the Golden Rule, its tendency to make I interact with happier … and its tendency to make me happier as well.

It’s true: the rule of treating others as you would want to be treated in their place will ultimately lead to your own happiness.

Let’s say that you apply the Golden Rule in all of your interactions with other people, and you help your neighbors, you treat your family with kindness, you go the extra mile for your co-workers, you help a stranger in need.

Now, those actions will undoubtedly be good for the people you help and are kind to … but you’ll also notice a strange thing. People will treat you better too, certainly. Beyond that, though, you will find a growing satisfaction in yourself, a belief in yourself, a knowledge that you are a good person and a trust in yourself.

Those are not small dividends. They are huge. And for that reason — not even considering that our world will be a better place if more people live by this rule — I recommend you make the Golden Rule a focus of your actions, and try to live by it to the extent that you can.

I will admit that there are strong arguments against the Golden Rule, that there are exceptions and logic arguments that the Golden Rule, taken to extremes, falls apart. I’m not concerned about that stuff. The truth is, on a day-to-day basis, living by the Golden Rule will make you a better person, will make those around you happier, and will make the community you live in a better place.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at some practical tips for living the Golden Rule in your daily life:

Practice empathy. Make it a habit to try to place yourself in the shoes of another person. Any person. Loved ones, co-workers, people you meet on the street. Really try to understand, to the extent that you can, what it is like to be them, what they are going through, and why they do what they do.
Practice compassion. Once you can understand another person, and feel what they’re going through, learn to want to end their suffering. And when you can, take even a small action to somehow ease their suffering in some way.
How would you want to be treated? The Golden Rule doesn’t really mean that you should treat someone else exactly as you’d want them to treat you … it means that you should try to imagine how they want to be treated, and do that. So when you put yourself in their shoes, ask yourself how you think they want to be treated. Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were in their situation. John F. Kennedy did that during the controversial days of de-segregation in the 1960s, asking white Americans to imagine being looked down upon and treated badly based only on the color of their skin. He asked them to imagine how they would want to be treated if they were in that situation, and act accordingly towards the blacks.
Be friendly. When in doubt, follow this tip. It’s usually safe to be friendly towards others. Of course, there are times when others just don’t want someone acting friendly towards them, and you should be sensitive to that. You should also be friendly within the bounds of appropriateness. But who doesn’t like to feel welcome and wanted?
Be helpful. This is probably one of the weaknesses of our society. Sure, there are many people who go out of their way to be helpful, and I applaud them. But in general there is a tendency to keep to yourself, and to ignore the problems of others. Don’t be blind to the needs and troubles of others. Look to help even before you’re asked.
Be courteous in traffic. Another weakness of our society. There are few times when we are as selfish as when we’re driving. We don’t want to give up the right of way, we cut people off, we honk and curse. Perhaps it’s the isolation of the automobile. We certainly don’t act that rude in person, most of the time. So try to be courteous in traffic.
Listen to others. Another weakness: we all want to talk, but very few of us want to listen. And yet, we all want to be listened to. So take the time to actually listen to another person, rather than just wait your turn to talk. It’ll also go a long way to helping you understand others.
Overcome prejudice. We all have our prejudices, whether it’s based on skin color, attractiveness, height, age, gender … it’s human nature, I guess. But try to see each person as an individual human being, with different backgrounds and needs and dreams. And try to see the commonalities between you and that person, despite your differences.
Stop criticism. We all have a tendency to criticize others, whether it’s people we know or people we see on television. However, ask yourself if you would like to be criticized in that person’s situation. The answer is almost always “no”. So hold back your criticism, and instead learn to interact with others in a positive way.
Don’t control others. It’s also rare that people want to be controlled. Trust me. So don’t do it. This is a difficult thing, especially if we are conditioned to control people. But when you get the urge to control, put yourself in that person’s shoes. You would want freedom and autonomy and trust, wouldn’t you? Give that to others then.
Be a child. The urge to control and criticize is especially strong when we are adults dealing with children. In some cases, it’s necessary, of course: you don’t want the child to hurt himself, for example. But in most cases, it’s not. Put yourself in the shoes of that child. Remember what it was like to be a child, and to be criticized and controlled. You probably didn’t like it. How would you want to be treated if you were that child?
Send yourself a reminder. Email yourself a daily reminder (use Google Calendar or memotome.com, for example) to live your life by the Golden Rule, so you don’t forget.
Tie a string to your finger. Or give yourself some other reminder throughout the day so that you don’t forget to follow the Golden Rule in all interactions with others. Perhaps a fake golden ring on your keychain? A tattoo? :)
Post it on your wall or make it your home page. The Golden Rule makes a great mantra, and a great poster.
Rise above retaliation. We have a tendency to strike back when we’re treated badly. This is natural. Resist that urge. The Golden Rule isn’t about retaliation. It’s about treating others well, despite how they treat you. Does that mean you should be a doormat? No … you have to assert your rights, of course, but you can do so in a way where you still treat others well and don’t strike back just because they treated you badly first. Remember Jesus’ wise (but difficult to follow) advice: turn the other cheek.
Be the change. Gandhi famously told us to be the change we want to see in the world. Well, we often think of that quote as applying to grand changes, such as poverty and racism and violence. Well, sure, it does apply to those things … but it also applies on a much smaller scale: to all the small interactions between people. Do you want people to treat each other with more compassion and kindness? Then let it start with you. Even if the world doesn’t change, at least you have.
Notice how it makes you feel. Notice how your actions affect others, especially when you start to treat them with kindness, compassion, respect, trust, love. But also notice the change in yourself. Do you feel better about yourself? Happier? More secure? More willing to trust others, now that you trust yourself? These changes come slowly and in small increments, but if you pay attention, you’ll see them.
Say a prayer. There is a prayer on the Golden Rule, attributed to Eusebius of Caesarea, that would be worth saying once a day. It includes the following lines, among others: “May I gain no victory that harms me or my opponent.
May I reconcile friends who are mad at each other.
May I, insofar as I can, give all necessary
help to my friends and to all who are in need.
May I never fail a friend in trouble.” (http://zenhabits.net/18-practical-tips-for-living-the-golden-rule/)

My own desire is to do a better job of putting the Golden Rule into practice daily. As Emily Post herself said, "Beneath its myriad rules, the fundamental purpose of etiquette is to make the world a pleasanter place to live in, and you a more pleasant person to live with."

[originally from the bygone Manners a la Mode blog]
#mannersmonday

Do you have a Life List? OK, so most people call it a Bucket List, but for me it represents the stuff that I want to do to celebrate life, so the moniker stays ... but my tryptophanned brain digresses. Today I want to talk about a desire I have had for oodles of years that was finally satisfied a few Thanksgivings ago—the opportunity to serve others by participating in a homeless feeding program.

Now it may seem far-fetched to think that I had not been able to do this before, but in short, "my mom wouldn't let me." Not that she in any way disapproved of doing kindnesses for those in need. She just wanted me around at the holidays. But now that she and the rest of my family are gone and I (for once) did not have scads of commitments, I finally managed to find such an opportunity to serve. So I seized the turkey by the paper-riffled legs and did it!

And boy am I glad I did! The experience was nothing like I expected, in the best way possible. The volunteers were of all ages and ethnicities, something that warmed my heart, being as I am a huge fan of diversity.

A couple of things struck me most. First off, the fact that had volunteers not worn name tags it is highly likely I could not have distinguished the volunteer workers from most of the grateful recipients!!! Everyone was affable and happy to be there, regardless of which side of the buffet table they were on. And people kept trying to cajole me to eat! There was no feeling of want or scarcity or pity—just a community coming together to share abundance and thanks. It was beautiful!

That brings me to the second clue that suggested I was part of a special and meaningful charitable event, not the standard Junior League bake sale—the SHOES. A huge table was set up just for used donated shoes. I'm sorry to say that before that day, it had never occurred to me what a vital need footwear might be for someone who lacks resources... I now realize that shoes may well be more important than having a roof overhead! Here is what Kristina Radnoti, founder of SolePurpose.com says about the issue:

"a homeless person wears out a pair of shoes every 6-8 weeks and there are more than 350,000 homeless in the state of California. The need for shoes is endless!

Homeless Statistics:

40% are children

20% of the homeless work

Every 6-8 weeks a homeless person wears out one pair of shoes.

An unpaid bill, or health problem can easily push a family over the financial edge and into homelessness. "

And here is a little something about a similar organization founded by a school girl! "Shoes 4 The Homeless is an organization founded by 11 year old Sondra Scroggins. Through Sondra’s organization she has not only given shoes, coats, blankets and food to the homeless she has also given them most importantly hope."

Reading about the efforts of these local heroes was humbling as well as heartening. I now look forward to helping those in my community who are in need more often that just on a popular holiday. Oh and rest assured, next year when I do join the sharing of gratitude by serving on Thanksgiving, I will come prepared with as many pairs of shoes to donate as I can muster.

What a glorious Thanksgiving... I am truly grateful.